Good luck affording a place to live. Forget being able to fucking eat “healthy” like you’re “supposed to” (aka, morally obligated to).
got a new lipcolor that makes me feel a bit like Taylor Swift. don’t JUDGE me, I didn’t BUY ANOTHER ONE, it was free. actually, two were free. I’m very excited as one is basically exactly the same color as my mouth normally, which is eerie and fun. you can’t really tell how red this one is in my bedroom lighting but you also can’t tell how RAINED ON my hair is or how RIDICULOUS my skin is being, so we’ll settle.
I went to Universal with Devin and Matt today and it was wonderful even though I feel like I never say enough or am interesting enough when I hang out with Devin and Matt so I’m not sure why they like me but I’m glad they do, my little darlings. they make me laugh a lot and they’re both very nice to look at in general and also to watch do things and be alive because obviously I love them and think they’re fascinating. and I didn’t get a headache or throw up or do anything ridiculous at all! it did rain a whole lot, though, and I got absolutely soaked, but I also got to ride some roller coasters and I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I love being able to pretend like I’m flying, or as in my preferred fantasy version of events, riding my giant talking bat. that’s a confession from me to you. also: I deeply love walking around Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. it makes me feel a kind of peace. it’s so lovely. I can’t wait to try getting in while it’s colder.
I’m doing a face mask right now and contemplating busting out my brand new body scrub and doing my feet again as it makes your hands and feet insanely soft and good smelling and I LOVE IT. I’m going to try my hair mask maybe tomorrow or the next day. I’m very very excited to pamper myself with my ridiculously unnecessary beauty purchases. my hideously calloused feet thank me, tbh. actually my heel has a giant crack it in and the skin is all peeling off, it’s kind of disgusting, so really maybe I’m playing these things off as less necessary than they truly are. also I WANT to do nice things to encourage my hair to grow and be nice and thick(er) and healthy so I can grow it out a bit and then dye it pink and then probably hack it all off again, maybe under cut the sides. or just do a kind of bob. for now I’m shooting for that kind of blunt cut mid-length that maybe juuust brushes the shoulders. nice. yeah. hair things.
and I’m watching Gilmore Girls even though I’ve not finished Veronica Mars yet and I promised to start Friday Night Lights after that I’m so sorry I’m sorry to everyone but also oh my God, how long do I have to wait for Luke and Lorelei?? seasons, isn’t it? seasons. god. if it all wasn’t so enjoyable.
do you know it’s so funny, I don’t know what the fuck I would do if you hadn’t insisted on making the lot of us a group. honestly. I’d be so much more lost, I’d have said a lot fewer of the things I’ve needed to say. I love so much that there’ve been moments I’ve been so annoyed or frustrated and needed to take a pause just as there’ve been moments I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. you lot feel like siblings to me. I feel like I’m out somewhere on a couch drinking. maybe a house of yours. it feels very candid and sweet and familiar and comfortable. it feels distant, too; I can’t forget that you’re all beyond me in a way I can’t rectify just by talking more. I appreciate that secrets are so much easier to keep, the way you could not bother with a reply and it’d all be different. but you do. you do reply, and it means so much. it’s so hard to embarrass you. that’s not an all, that’s a you. that means something to me. that’s something I’ve got to respect a bit, as someone who too often lets herself feel shame. you’re so ridiculous sometimes. it’s so unapologetic. I love your boldness, your loudness, your insistence, your ability to turn right around and apologize when you’re finally convinced you’re in the wrong. your exuberance, your tendency toward the dramatic fascinates me. you make me laugh. you make me proud. it’s odd to know that someone as ferocious as you should ever doubt yourself, even though it’s human, even though we all will. I don’t doubt you. I’ve not doubted you once.
ohhhh god this is complicated for 3 AM wearing down tipsy I got four hours of sleep last night ness. you’re complicated. you confuse me. I think in some ways you’re a lot smarter than I ever will be, or a lot more intensely dedicated to certain pursuits that make you feel to me very smart. I forget and yet can’t forget that you’re younger than me, all of the time, both because of the acute feeling of being beaten by someone younger and because there’s a vulnerability to you. it’s stupid, because you’re younger by like five minutes, and I’m an idiot, but still. you make me wary because Devin’s crushes always make me a little wary, but at the same time I’ve spoken to you, you’ve made me laugh, I actually like you. it’s baffling. you’re one of those people that I like and yet are into a lot of things I’ve never been into in my life so I’m a little out of my depth in trying to talk to you about something you’re really passionate on, like I want to have that kind of shared interest but I can’t. like I can’t be the person who has been into LOTR since I was six years old, y’know? I love that you get so excited about shit though, I love that passion. it’s inspiring. it reminds me that there are reasons to look beyond, reminds me that nothing is truly all-consuming, y’know. it’s nice. that and you’re a total hottie which I forget sometimes but also can’t really forget. you know.
somehow the fact that I hear less from you or see less of you on the internet makes you feel more real to me, like a real person, which sounds wrong writing it like everyone who puts more into the internet feels less real or is fake or something, and that would include me, wouldn’t it? and I know I am real. at least to me. so clearly that’s not what I mean. it’s just somehow got me convinced that you’d be easy to talk to in person, easier, that you’d make a solid, honest kind of sense that would comfort me, because I’ve got similar doubts and fears about what it means for me to be on here all of the time. to me you smell like clean laundry and sunlight, you seem like someone who really likes opening a brand new notebook and writing something down. you feel to me like buying new school supplies or washing my sheets or a crisply scented candle but also just like life, like needing to wash your sheets in the first place. you feel very honest and good to me. I like that it makes me think I can take all of your sweetness more seriously, that I can hold it in my heart and believe it fully. that’s comforting. I’m so drawn to people like that, who feel wholesome like that, even though I know they’re flawed and can be wrong and so many other things. you’re a person. I just. the person you are to me is a crisp breeze.