- How it became a thing that no one wants their parents to show their significant other baby pictures. I was adorable as a baby. I also ripped all of the toilet paper off of the roll once and ate cupcakes like the goal was getting icing in my hair, and I had an almost mullet and wore Lion King pajamas. Those things are true. But we were all babies once. We all did weird shit like play with bags of cat food and run around naked and dress up as fruit. What’s the problem? What are you afraid of?
- Why barbecue is a popular chip flavor. This is not a real mystery. I understand that some people like barbecue. I understand also that some people have horrible taste. I’m not saying that people who like barbecue chips have horrible taste in chips, but I am saying that people who like barbecue chips have horrible taste in chips. You read that sentence correctly. Barbecue flavoring is made from the scrapings off of your uncle’s old charcoal grill, tears of disappointment, and the spit that flies out of the mouths of men when they are angry enough to be speaking in barks, like rabid dogs. That is a scientific fact. Probably.
- Fur-lined flip flops? That’s it. That’s the whole mystery.
- Gum stuck to the outsides of trash cans, or to the walls beside trash cans, or anywhere that isn’t inside of a trash can or inside of your mouth. We are pretending this is a mystery for your sake. Do you want me to believe that you are the type of asshole who doesn’t care about gum getting onto people’s shoes and hands and clothing, or do you want me pretending to be baffled and giving you an out? There is one right answer.
- Banana peppers on everything. Everything? Everything. What are banana peppers made out of? Don’t tell me they grow naturally. What’s going on?
- Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to have that kid on Victorious, y’know, that show with Victoria Justice and singing? Why they thought it’d be a good idea to make that kid permanently attached to his dummy. Because it was not a good idea. Do you know what kind of idea it was? I will let you guess.